The First Step....

 We admit we are powerless of Autism and ADHD, that our lives become unmanageable.

Growing up in a family with addiction it always seemed clear that it was the alcoholics choice to drink so that's the person to be mad at for their behaviors or when things go wrong due to them being under the influence of whatever liquid or drug they choose.  After 12 years of raising a son with Autism and ADHD it seems I am back to working the daily steps for my sanity but with a different qualifier and different story. What amazes me is how the details of these 2 parts of my life parallel.

Each day these past few weeks I have had a difficult time interacting and hearing what goes on with anyone, including my family - my husband, daughter (age 10) and son (age 13).  The arguments are constant and the actions range from minor to horrifying.  I am as guilty as anyone for being annoyed or aggravated by my son’s impulsive bullying, neglectful, and intrusive behaviors - but today, I reflected on the first step worked daily in my al anon practice, I was thinking so much of my life as an adult has to do with an “A”.  Autism, much like Alcoholism, is a disease and not something my qualifier choose as my son didn’t choose to be Autistic.  

We are all powerless.

As his parent I want to make everything perfect for him and ensure an amazing future.  Autism seems to be a huge factor, that in my detailed planning of our future, was not considered.  I have talked with enough medical researchers, practicioners and such that I can state with no doubt in my mind that I did not Cause my son’s Autism.  The bigger “C” for me to chew on is, I cannot Control it.  I don’t want to Cure it because ironically through all the pain it has shown everyone who is in our lives a new way to love and live through Khoury’s unique characteristics and love of life!  So now with my husband, daughter, son, and dog, I need to find ways to Cope.  

Amazing letting go and saying I am powerless over this disease made talking and interacting with him after school so much more tolerable.  I know much like my work in al-anon that I will need to work this first step for some time to help me daily interact with my son instead of for or to him.  Each day, week, month, or year I may find myself coming back to this just to ground myself - it doesn’t mean I have failed or slipped, just reassuring the basics to keep myself moving forward with him!

My life has become unmanageable.  Mind you, not unhappy.  Do I get to do all that I want, or as a family, or for my family, without Autism getting in the way - no!  

Do I have a wonderful home, love, and good life and memories - yes!  

Each day there are constant flares and fights over the same topic(s) that create discord and anger.  This builds tension that I and each member of our family needs to find way(s) to unload.  This isn’t easy or always done and it constantly builds.  Did I mention our son doesn’t notice this tension and doesn’t pause to let us do any of the things we need to, to calm down…  This constant tension does interfere with the relationships between my husband and I and our daugher and each of us,- I forgot the one who doesn’t understand the most but is truly affected - our dog! No  mistaking, it kills the relationship we need to always be working on with our son.  This is unmanageable and when all parties start to take and take and rarely build each other up, I fear for future relationships and harmony.

That is why each day I work hard.

This is why I paused my career and I am working on building new paths.

My family is why I work harder than ever, Our future is what drives me!

Control....

Funny how words can be a complement or an insult to one's personal fibers.  The word Control is one that finds its way into the description of myself often.  I have heard people complement me on my ability to "control" myself with my students, my own children, or with tasks.  The same word has been used in arguements with others when I have been reffered to as one that wants control or is afraid of losing control.  Its a sharp word that often I find comfort in. It is not because I am egocentric and believe it is my right or ability to be "better" than others.  Rather it is because I need the control in order to feel like I have done something right for that moment or that hour.  There are many things out of my realm and it is that small piece of control that often gives me solice.

Tonight as I practiced Yoga with my daughter I witnessed the ability of her to trust the instructor and just listen to her next steps and follow with ease.  It is then that I realized why I practice Yoga.  It is for flexibity and to find a way to quiet the chatter in my mind.  THE reason that I continue to practice 5 or more times a week at a studio or in my home is to learn to give control over to someone for one full hour.  When I am truly following my breath and moving through the poses with each of their words, it is then that I feel free and not in control.  As I laid in savashna tonight I cried.  They say to leave everything on the mat and tonight I did.

I don't like my life most days.  There are elements that I dream of changing, but know that there is no power that can make that wish a reality.  My youth was amazingly full of adventure and fun; yet there was always a sense of mistrust and constant worry for what family members where doing to themselves with alcohol or chemicals.  Now as an adult, I have given up control of my financial destiny by leaving my profession and staying home to care for our children and house.  Our son's challanges with Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Sensory Integration Disorder, and Obessive Compulsive Disorder make everyone in the house stand on edge.  Even in my sleep I hear and sense the movements in our home for fear of what he might do if he wakes early in the night and wants to eat, play, or who knows...

Tonight on my mat, I realized I need Yoga to help me find a sense of no control.  Being with others who are on the path to quiet their minds chatter and to just be present in the moment and not plan or worry for the next.

A new year and a new outlook!

Last year was my first year as a stay at home mom who had taken an "early retirement" to stay home and bring back balance to the family.

Advice was given, don't take on too much was the most popular. Ironically what most people didn't realize was that those who told me not to take on too much ended up being the ones who would ask me to help in emergencies - there were a lot of emeregencies.

One friend who had recently become a stay at home mom told me to wait a year and see how I feel.  This came after a conversation where I was not feeling like I was doing the right actions and I was letting everyone down.

Wow what a difference a year makes!  I am hoping to use a blog as an online way to share some of the thoughts that I don't want to post on Facebook, but if you choose to follow this blog, I am hoping that each week I help enlighten or challange a way of thinking.  Its ironic, as life has slowed down the real challange for me began as I was able to REALLY LOOK at myself, my family, my life and take inventory of where we had been, where we are, and hopefully our future.

This inventory has been scary, funny, and challanging.  I hope you'll follow me on my journey to help others find Awareness and Balance!

One Word

Have you read this book?

Do you have your word?

If you know what I am talking about then you have been a part of a new movement to help fight failing our resolutions.  I didn't realize but I did this in June when I quit my job in the classroom and moved my focus in a different direction.  I have said and will continue to acknowledge that I am learning BALANCE.

I have an affirmation for my year - I am leading a daily life that focuses on activieis and work that will create a strong balance of time, energy, and family resources.

What I love about this statement is that it gives EVERY day a sense of direction.  There is no limit to where it will take me but I know that my ending goal for each day is to focus on balance.

This maybe my affirmation for the next decade and I am fine with that!

Life's Transition in the making

Today has been an ocean of 7 years of accumulation.  Did it all happen just today?  No.

About 7 years ago I started teaching Financial Literacy at the High School level and I was adamant that what I teach I live by as well.  So it began, learning to truly live by a budget, on cash, and no debt.  At the same time I was introduced to Dave Ramsey's Financial Freedom - no I don't use the entire system but so much of it blends with what I had learned in my Financial Planning courses at Ohio State University, and it was already student friendly so, for all intense purposes I taught "that" curriculum.  Well, as we started living and seeing how our money flowed we were able to harness and make our dollars align with our goals.

Now, at the same time we had a growing family.  Now 2 children and for most days 2 dogs.  Kevin and I both have energy in surplus and (I will toot our horn) the desire to always help our friends and others.  So being on the go is part of our nature.

About 5 years ago my grandfather passed away.  He was a loving, stubborn man and often I left feeling respect for his generation, and wondering how my generation was going to pass along the core values of humanity that his learned through experiencing immigration assimilation and various wars.  Technology seems to keep use linked but does it keep us connected?

During this time our children have blossomed and time now was not only split with the energy and focus of Kevin and I, but also our children - soccer, lacrosse, art classes, girl scouts, special clubs, play dates....

Kevin often stated that he wished he had a job where he made more money and could take care of us so that I could stay home and keep things balanced.  When all parts are spinning (and often in different areas and at different speeds) it tends to lead to the disjointed family that we often see in our classrooms at parent teacher conferences, in the neighborhoods where "they grew apart", and in society in general.  After all 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the increase in stress due to jobs, money, etc.. can't be a coincidence.  We started our lives together - August 1, 1998 to be a team and to grow those around us (family and friends) in love.  Being a part of the system is what we wanted - not to become our own system!

So 3 years ago I started to notice that we were able to make it on an amazing budget and live the life we wanted (within reason - trips to Europe and other exotic sandy locations - Aruba, etc.. will always be a wish).  At the same time I had a major back surgery and I there was a great deal of time for reflection. I saw the imbalance starting to impact our children, communication and that we had to schedule time (literally looking at a calender to schedule time to go on a date!) - we knew that there had to be a shift in our lives.

Honestly - Kevin would have loved to have been the one to stay home.  He is as much as an amazing cook as I am!  However, when looking at our skill sets - my ability to stay focused and keep multiple events running (and not stopping to play xbox or build something out of wood in the garage) made for me to be the one to reduce the hours at work.

3 months into working part time last year (2013), we knew that things were not the way they were suppose to be and that working part time as a teacher, did not mean a reduction in time spent preparing and traveling.  So, a deeper consideration was made to remove myself completely from the work environment.  This was at the time a hard decision and I thought the hard part was over...

5 weeks ago when school started I had to fill out a form (yeah - a lot of forms!  who are we kidding) and on it I had to put my occupation.  I sat and cried.

Ocean waves of emotion into this new life and I can say that I am NOT settled in.  Its not that I don't know how to settle in, its because I feel guilty enjoying this new life that we have carved out.  Today, I broke a lunch date with an amazing friend because I needed to take time for myself - you want to know what I did, I took the dogs for a walk and I am now making chicken noodle soup from scratch.  Why - because it gives me peace.  For the first time today, in 5 weeks, I feel I have some control of my time.

For my friends who are "SAHM's" please remember you are not JUST a stay at home mom - it is because of the WORK you do every day that the other members of your family get to do what they enjoy doing.  When people ask what I do, I am going to tell them - I WORK from home, I own my own business - for 2 years coordinating parties and fundraisers using the Tupperware product, and I am a consultant, currently working with a Farm to Fork Company - Azoti.  But the BEST work I do from home, is be able to BE WITH MY FAMILY (mentally and physically) each day!

Strive to create balance in your life each day!

The eternal search...

One chance encounter can really add an uninvited fork in the road sometimes.  I say uninvited because this fork was one that I had encountered before, and after much research and personal struggle I had found my way back from the wrong path and on the path meant for me and my family.

Yesterday one chance encounter add a 20 hour hiccup in my life.  I met a wonderful person who had the best intentions of helping me discover possibly a new way to help Khoury handle the undesireable challenges of his ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).  She suggested dietary changes (which I had looked and tried in years past), metal detoxifications, and nutritional supplements.  I never tell anyone that I think they are wrong as they think they are trying to help.  Her zealousness continued which I appreciate as she definitely had done her point of view research.

What I find is that those who preach a certain way to cure something are usually not taking into consideration the person they are talking too.  She wanted to CURE KHOURY!  Our conversation started innocently - she was a pharmacist and I was picking her brain about medications and possible options for Khoury as we have hit some huge pot holes.  She quickly changed and went down an unsuspecting path.

I followed because I am a good mom and I want to know all I can to help him be the best he can.  Then she talked about curing ASD.  I bit!  I spent half the night looking at clinics, insitutions, doctors, theories.... in the morning... I woke groggy and feeling miserable about myself and how helpless I felt.

So I turned to my therapy - get outside and walk / run the dogs!

I ran into a man who was returning from his run.  As he passed I had the dogs sitting waiting and he commented - they are doing great.  I said thank you and added - we are getting there - and his next comment sent me to tears - Aren't we all a work in progress, he smiled and continued on.  I began walking because I felt it coming and I do now as I write.  I don't WANT to cure my son, I want him to SHINE.

Now for my friends and family reading this - no - I KNOW Khoury does not need Cured and I do a lot of education to tell people that Autism doesn't need a cure - we need support for the proper medical treatments COVERED by our insurance providers, proper educational settings and systems PROVIDED by our educational systems that we pay into referred to as our public schools.  A CURE???

Do you  know how many FAMOUS people SHINE (in her mind suffer) are diagnoised with Autism?  What would the world be like with out...

Courtney Love - yup the musician
Tim Burton - yup yup!
Daryl Hannah - famous actress
Dan Aykryod - famous actor
James Durbin - American Idol
Temple Grandin - amazing advocate and animal trainer (that is an understatement)
Tim Page - Pulitzer Prize Writer
Gary McKinnon - computer hacker who broke into high level governement/military sites (no I am not condoning the action - but he is SMART!)
Dan Harmon - creator of show - Community
Alexis Wineman - Miss Montana
MOZART

To those who say - Autism needs a cure - I ask why?  Do those who say the rates are rising quick and its because of our environment - I ask - could it be that we are so much more AWARE and able to diagnosis that is why it is rising?

Please if you read this and take offense - realize I mean nothing to offend anyone for the way they believe - know that I am a mom, trying to find the best way to raise my family and hold true to the values of our life.  Our son was created and born to give something to the world as was all of us - maybe his was to show me that I don't need to fix everything - because he is his perfect.  It is the rest of us that need to understand that he is happy.

I am not allowing reader comments to this post - it is not because I do not want you to challenge my thinking - I think I showed that I am open as I spent the night researching what she talked about.  But, I want others to be able to read this and not be swayed by someone's convictions who opposes this - if you are reading this then you know how to reach me.  Let's met and talk, but please remember I am a mom on the eternal search to make sure her babies are happy, healthy, and loved!

Have you put the coffee in the Mayonnaise Jar?

I spent 14 years in the classroom and every few years I would do an experiment the first day of class to demonstrate Personal Wellness and Balance. You may have seen or read it in a facebook post or an email....  If you haven't DONE this - try it.  I know it might be messy but it will forever be set to take time and enjoy life and the people around you!

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he filled a very large and empty mayonnaise jar with golf balls. He asked the students if the jar was full. They decided that it was.

Then the professor picked up a box and began to pour pebbles into the jar, shaking the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. Smiling at his trick, they agreed it was.

The professor opened another box and began to pour sand into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up lots of space. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space left by the grains of sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "Think of this jar as representing your life. The golf balls are the important things-your spiritual life, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your passions- things that are so valuable that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your home, and your work. The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18."

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. There will always be time to clean the house or fix the disposal."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."