Control....

Funny how words can be a complement or an insult to one's personal fibers.  The word Control is one that finds its way into the description of myself often.  I have heard people complement me on my ability to "control" myself with my students, my own children, or with tasks.  The same word has been used in arguements with others when I have been reffered to as one that wants control or is afraid of losing control.  Its a sharp word that often I find comfort in. It is not because I am egocentric and believe it is my right or ability to be "better" than others.  Rather it is because I need the control in order to feel like I have done something right for that moment or that hour.  There are many things out of my realm and it is that small piece of control that often gives me solice.

Tonight as I practiced Yoga with my daughter I witnessed the ability of her to trust the instructor and just listen to her next steps and follow with ease.  It is then that I realized why I practice Yoga.  It is for flexibity and to find a way to quiet the chatter in my mind.  THE reason that I continue to practice 5 or more times a week at a studio or in my home is to learn to give control over to someone for one full hour.  When I am truly following my breath and moving through the poses with each of their words, it is then that I feel free and not in control.  As I laid in savashna tonight I cried.  They say to leave everything on the mat and tonight I did.

I don't like my life most days.  There are elements that I dream of changing, but know that there is no power that can make that wish a reality.  My youth was amazingly full of adventure and fun; yet there was always a sense of mistrust and constant worry for what family members where doing to themselves with alcohol or chemicals.  Now as an adult, I have given up control of my financial destiny by leaving my profession and staying home to care for our children and house.  Our son's challanges with Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Sensory Integration Disorder, and Obessive Compulsive Disorder make everyone in the house stand on edge.  Even in my sleep I hear and sense the movements in our home for fear of what he might do if he wakes early in the night and wants to eat, play, or who knows...

Tonight on my mat, I realized I need Yoga to help me find a sense of no control.  Being with others who are on the path to quiet their minds chatter and to just be present in the moment and not plan or worry for the next.

A new year and a new outlook!

Last year was my first year as a stay at home mom who had taken an "early retirement" to stay home and bring back balance to the family.

Advice was given, don't take on too much was the most popular. Ironically what most people didn't realize was that those who told me not to take on too much ended up being the ones who would ask me to help in emergencies - there were a lot of emeregencies.

One friend who had recently become a stay at home mom told me to wait a year and see how I feel.  This came after a conversation where I was not feeling like I was doing the right actions and I was letting everyone down.

Wow what a difference a year makes!  I am hoping to use a blog as an online way to share some of the thoughts that I don't want to post on Facebook, but if you choose to follow this blog, I am hoping that each week I help enlighten or challange a way of thinking.  Its ironic, as life has slowed down the real challange for me began as I was able to REALLY LOOK at myself, my family, my life and take inventory of where we had been, where we are, and hopefully our future.

This inventory has been scary, funny, and challanging.  I hope you'll follow me on my journey to help others find Awareness and Balance!

One Word

Have you read this book?

Do you have your word?

If you know what I am talking about then you have been a part of a new movement to help fight failing our resolutions.  I didn't realize but I did this in June when I quit my job in the classroom and moved my focus in a different direction.  I have said and will continue to acknowledge that I am learning BALANCE.

I have an affirmation for my year - I am leading a daily life that focuses on activieis and work that will create a strong balance of time, energy, and family resources.

What I love about this statement is that it gives EVERY day a sense of direction.  There is no limit to where it will take me but I know that my ending goal for each day is to focus on balance.

This maybe my affirmation for the next decade and I am fine with that!