Growing up in a family with addiction it always seemed clear that it was the alcoholics choice to drink so that's the person to be mad at for their behaviors or when things go wrong due to them being under the influence of whatever liquid or drug they choose. After 12 years of raising a son with Autism and ADHD it seems I am back to working the daily steps for my sanity but with a different qualifier and different story. What amazes me is how the details of these 2 parts of my life parallel.
Each day these past few weeks I have had a difficult time interacting and hearing what goes on with anyone, including my family - my husband, daughter (age 10) and son (age 13). The arguments are constant and the actions range from minor to horrifying. I am as guilty as anyone for being annoyed or aggravated by my son’s impulsive bullying, neglectful, and intrusive behaviors - but today, I reflected on the first step worked daily in my al anon practice, I was thinking so much of my life as an adult has to do with an “A”. Autism, much like Alcoholism, is a disease and not something my qualifier choose as my son didn’t choose to be Autistic.
We are all powerless.
As his parent I want to make everything perfect for him and ensure an amazing future. Autism seems to be a huge factor, that in my detailed planning of our future, was not considered. I have talked with enough medical researchers, practicioners and such that I can state with no doubt in my mind that I did not Cause my son’s Autism. The bigger “C” for me to chew on is, I cannot Control it. I don’t want to Cure it because ironically through all the pain it has shown everyone who is in our lives a new way to love and live through Khoury’s unique characteristics and love of life! So now with my husband, daughter, son, and dog, I need to find ways to Cope.
Amazing letting go and saying I am powerless over this disease made talking and interacting with him after school so much more tolerable. I know much like my work in al-anon that I will need to work this first step for some time to help me daily interact with my son instead of for or to him. Each day, week, month, or year I may find myself coming back to this just to ground myself - it doesn’t mean I have failed or slipped, just reassuring the basics to keep myself moving forward with him!
My life has become unmanageable. Mind you, not unhappy. Do I get to do all that I want, or as a family, or for my family, without Autism getting in the way - no!
Do I have a wonderful home, love, and good life and memories - yes!
Each day there are constant flares and fights over the same topic(s) that create discord and anger. This builds tension that I and each member of our family needs to find way(s) to unload. This isn’t easy or always done and it constantly builds. Did I mention our son doesn’t notice this tension and doesn’t pause to let us do any of the things we need to, to calm down… This constant tension does interfere with the relationships between my husband and I and our daugher and each of us,- I forgot the one who doesn’t understand the most but is truly affected - our dog! No mistaking, it kills the relationship we need to always be working on with our son. This is unmanageable and when all parties start to take and take and rarely build each other up, I fear for future relationships and harmony.
That is why each day I work hard.
This is why I paused my career and I am working on building new paths.
My family is why I work harder than ever, Our future is what drives me!
It's amazing how both of these have such an impact not only on the lives of those who have them, but also the lives of the love ones who are there. I would venture to say you are not powerless though; afterall, you are blogging and education people. That by definition is pretty powerful! While you may not be able to eradicate, your willingness to educate is awesome! Keep blogging Kelly. Even though I don't see many comments (guilty as charged) I can assure you, people are reading.
ReplyDelete