Control....

Funny how words can be a complement or an insult to one's personal fibers.  The word Control is one that finds its way into the description of myself often.  I have heard people complement me on my ability to "control" myself with my students, my own children, or with tasks.  The same word has been used in arguements with others when I have been reffered to as one that wants control or is afraid of losing control.  Its a sharp word that often I find comfort in. It is not because I am egocentric and believe it is my right or ability to be "better" than others.  Rather it is because I need the control in order to feel like I have done something right for that moment or that hour.  There are many things out of my realm and it is that small piece of control that often gives me solice.

Tonight as I practiced Yoga with my daughter I witnessed the ability of her to trust the instructor and just listen to her next steps and follow with ease.  It is then that I realized why I practice Yoga.  It is for flexibity and to find a way to quiet the chatter in my mind.  THE reason that I continue to practice 5 or more times a week at a studio or in my home is to learn to give control over to someone for one full hour.  When I am truly following my breath and moving through the poses with each of their words, it is then that I feel free and not in control.  As I laid in savashna tonight I cried.  They say to leave everything on the mat and tonight I did.

I don't like my life most days.  There are elements that I dream of changing, but know that there is no power that can make that wish a reality.  My youth was amazingly full of adventure and fun; yet there was always a sense of mistrust and constant worry for what family members where doing to themselves with alcohol or chemicals.  Now as an adult, I have given up control of my financial destiny by leaving my profession and staying home to care for our children and house.  Our son's challanges with Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Sensory Integration Disorder, and Obessive Compulsive Disorder make everyone in the house stand on edge.  Even in my sleep I hear and sense the movements in our home for fear of what he might do if he wakes early in the night and wants to eat, play, or who knows...

Tonight on my mat, I realized I need Yoga to help me find a sense of no control.  Being with others who are on the path to quiet their minds chatter and to just be present in the moment and not plan or worry for the next.